Managing your child's behavior can be challenging. We parents are not trained on how to do this and most of what we know comes from what our parents did while raising us. However, children needs structure and guidance to better behave. These 5 steps will help you better manage your child's behavior:
1. Expectations vs. rewards: Seat down with your child and develop CLEAR expectations of their behavior. Write them on a paper and place them in a visible place. Don't list too many, a simple list of 3-5 expectations will be perfect. Do not call your list "rules", call it expectations. Make sure your list is measurable, this means you can easily check if it was done or not and that there is not room for interpretation.
2. List rewards on the back or one side of the page. As a parent you are responsible for feeding your child, keeping a roof over their head, providing medical care, send them to school, and provide basic clothing. Anything such as: cell phones, fancy shoes, nails, trips, electronic games, tablets, etc...is considered a REWARD. Use this rewards as the incentive for your child to work towards the EXPECTATIONS your and them set.
3. Now establish a plan to keep track of expectations and rewards. For example: your child will be responsible for meeting the assigned expectations, for instance: going to bed by 10pm from Monday trough Thursday. On a weekly basis, you track compliance and allow your child to enjoy the reward(s) over the weekend. When expectation hasn't been met, you retrieve the reward but not at front of them, you simply take it away and when they ask you, you explain why (referring back to the expectation's list). When your child returns to the desired behavior, you return the reward. The goal is that you "train" your child's brain to associate the desired behavior with a reward and not the other way around, a bad behavior, gives me a reward. I will explain more of this on #4.
4. When your child wants something most of the time they cry, yell, get upset, get quiet, etc...and in many cases, you as a parent feel guilty about it and allow your child to do or get what they wanted, right? Well, we will change that by NOT GIVING UP! When you want a soda can you add coins to the vending machine, correct? Maybe 4 quarters until the can drops off the machine. What would you do if I tell you that YOU ARE KIND OF A VENDING MACHINE...I will explain myself, your child keeps on pressing buttons until you give up and give them what you want. Do not give up even when they yell, scream, cry, etc...Those are just the ways they learned to use to get what they want.
5. BE CONSISTENT! Do not do this just one day and give up. Trust me, your child WILL try your patience many times to see if you are SERIOUS about your new strategy. One your child realizes you are not giving them the "soda can", they will be forced to behave to earn what they want vs. misbehaving to obtain it.
Apply these 5 steps and feel free to contact me should you need more help for a free 15 minute consultation!
The author is a mental health therapist specialized in children and adolescents. She is also certified in behavioral play therapy. Her office is in Orlando Florida.
To book an appointment please call: 407-984-7031
or send an email to: lifestepscounselingservices@gmail.com
